Women’s News: Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls… So I Will
December 27, 2013 by 12 Comments
Jes Baker
Blogger, The Militant Baker
Things that I wish I knew earlier. Things that I’ve learned in real life. Things people really need to talk about more:
Everyone has rolls when they bend over. Everyone. Lets just get this out of the way right off the bat. In the last few months, I’ve had over 30 women ranging from rail thin to extra large naked in my bed and I would routinely ask them to hug their knees. You wont believe this… ALL OF THEM HAD TUMMY ROLLS. Not one was exempt. Even my super fabulous professional model 6 foot tall and some amazing Katie had rolls. The stomach pictures turned into some of my favorite images from the project… so quit thinking they’re bad, and try accepting (dare I say embracing?) yours!
When people say “you’re gorgeous,” believe them. I tend not to, and it’s a cryin’ shame. When people genuinely compliment you, it’s because they really see it. Try to not dismiss their perspective as wrong and assume that you know better. They see all of you. We see our flaws. Believe them.
“Arm flab is embarrassing.” No its not, go fuck yourself. No, not you. The people who tell us that, silly.
You’re not stunning despite your body. You’re stunning because of your body. There is a distinct difference. I grew up in a culture that would deem “unattractive” women as “special spirits.” A degrading categorization that implied that the only thing worthwhile was whatever was inside. Well, yeah. We are all much much more than our bodies, but our bodies are a beautiful part of us too. Beauty comes from the inside AND the outside. I am of the firm belief that every person is beautiful, and so this leaves the inside to be the part that is the most telling when it comes to true “beauty.”
A guy can pick you up off your feet, and it won’t break his back. “Wait, whaaaaaa Jes? You’re full of shit.” Nope. This just happened to me for the first time in… six years? I’m considerably heavier than I was six years ago (like… 70 pounds heavier) and so when I ran up to my friend Eric for a hug and he picked me up with my heels in the air… it left me breathless. I had forgotten that it was possible; I had accepted a life void of being lifted. So exhilarating. Eric didn’t suffer any injuries and walked away unscathed.
You don’t need to exercise every day in order to feel better about yourself. Many believe that someone who’s fat needs to exercise as much as possible in order to prove that they’re committed to becoming “less fat.” As if accepting one’s body as is would be a sin, and that’s just silly. Yes, exercising has wonderful physical and mental benefits, but you don’t owe it to anyone else to make an effort to change your body unless you wanna. You do not have to alter yourself to be okay. Period.
You’re allowed to fall in love with yourself. I promise. This will be the scariest thing you will ever do, and that’s okay. It will also be the most amazing (albeit super gradual) experience you will ever have. It doesn’t make you narcissistic. It doesn’t make you vain. It is liberating in every form of the word.
Jes Baker is mental health professional, pastry chef, ex-art major, crazy cat lady, fat model and fiery advocate. She blogs at The Militant Baker. You can read about Jes’s latest body-positive project, The Body Love Conference.
Photos by Liora K Photography.
Women’s News: The 24 Pieces That Should Be Required Reading For Women From 2013
December 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
The Huffington Post | By Emma Gray and Lori Leibovich
Thought-provoking, hilarious, heart-wrenching writing by women was everywhere this year — despite some suggestions to the contrary. So for the second year in a row we’ve curated a list of pieces we felt reflected some of the most insightful female voices of the year.
To make the list, a piece had to be published this calendar year and be available online. It had to have inspired debate, conversation and awe, both at our office and on social media. No list can possibly capture all the terrific writing by and about women, but we hope that this one inspires you to take a look (or look again) at some true gems.
I’m Daisy Coleman, The Teenager At The Center Of The Maryville Rape Media Storm, And This Is What Really Happened
Daisy Coleman, xoJane
When she was 14 years old, Daisy Coleman, a varsity cheerleader from Maryville, Mo., was sexually assaulted by a popular high school football player while she was passed out — and then tossed in her snowy front yard in freezing temperatures. Despite strong evidence, charges against her assailant were dropped. After months of press coverage, and a Twitter campaign launched by Anonymous (#Justice4Daisy), Coleman spoke out for the first time. “I’m different now, and I can’t ever go back to the person I once was,” she wrote. “That one night took it all away from me. I’m nothing more than just human, but I also refuse to be a victim of cruelty any longer. This is why I am saying my name. This is why I am not shutting up.”
In My Head, I’m Always Thin
Daphne Merkin, Elle
“In admitting to being overweight, I feel like I’m admitting to something truly heinous,” writes Merkin, an author who is not exactly shy about opening up — she’s written unflinchingly about her battles with depression and in a famous New Yorker piece revealed her love of S& M. But fat, it turns out, is more taboo. Merkin’s brilliant meditation on appetite, invisibility, and the ways we often delude ourselves when we look in the mirror will resonate with any woman who has struggled with body image issues. “I don’t see myself … with quite the same piercing clarity, the same objectifying gaze as I imagine others do,” she writes. “Because it would be too painful and, at its most extreme, lead to my never leaving the house for fear of public scrutiny.”
Dig Deep: Beyond Lean In
bell hooks, The Feminist Wire
Though we generally see Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In as the catalyst for an important conversation about women in the workplace, hooks’ critique of Sandberg’s white, moneyed, privileged perspective is a must-read for anyone interested in having a larger dialogue about these issues. “Instead of creating a space of female solidarity, Sandberg exists as the lone queen amid millions of admires,” she writes. Writers like hooks inspire us to start talking.
What’s Wrong With Me?
Meghan O’Rourke, The New Yorker
This harrowing account of the author’s mysterious autoimmune illness is also an exploration of the serious limitations of a health care system that often treats young female patients as the ‘worried well.’”
The Fairy Godmother of Rock
Jada Yuan, New York Magazine
This masterful profile of the Witchy Woman showed us that Stevie Nicks offstage — in all of her complicated, neurotic, feminine glory — is everything we always thought she was and more. Yuan hung out with Nicks for hours (jealous) and captured her singular outlook and charm. This is one of the most entertaining and insightful portraits we read this year. J-school students take note: This is how it’s done.
I’m Not Ambitious, And That’s OK
Elissa Strauss, Salon
Strauss reminds us that while it’s all well and good to strive for career and financial success, perhaps it’s important to strive for sanity as well.
The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In
Judith Warner, The New York Times Magazine
In 2003, Lisa Belkin wrote a controversial New York Times Magazine cover story called “The Opt Out Revolution” about a small group of educated and affluent women who were leaving high powered careers to stay home with their children. A decade later, Judith Warner caught up with a different cohort of women who had “opted out” and found that while most didn’t regret having had time with their children, being out of the workforce resulted in financial insecurity, marital discord and great difficulty reestablishing a career.
Women Are Bitches
KMA Sullivan, The Rumpus
Sullivan writes about the “exhausting” and “relentless” misogyny that exists in the literary circles she travels in “from men who are otherwise kind and educated, who would never think of themselves as chauvinist assholes.” Sullivan suspects that these “reasonably aware and well-intentioned” men harbor sexist attitudes that create room for “unreasonable, ignorant assholes to say and do what most of us (men and women alike) would deem shockingly destructive.”
The Barbecue
Margaret Wheeler Johnson, HuffPost Weddings
Many a bride-to-be has written about the stress and insanity of wedding planning. But Wheeler Johnson’s take on the lead-up to her Big Day is among the best we’ve ever read.
Your Friends And Rapists
Sarah Nicole Prickett, Medium
In this meandering (in the best sense of the word) piece at about the author’s rape at age 19, she turns the lens on herself — but also on the “dick culture” that encourages (and often finds funny) pictures of passed out young women who have been raped. (See: Daisy Coleman, Rehtaaeh Parsons, Steubenville). “I am not interested in what motivates a rapist,” Prickett writes. “I am interested in what permits him.”
Sunday Sauce, Saving Me
Jessica Valenti, The Toast
In this beautiful essay, Valenti mediates on food, memory, longing and creating family traditions.
Should You Send A Lady A Dick Pic? A Guide For Men
Erin Gloria Ryan, Jezebel
In a pitch-perfect send-off to the Anthony Weiners of the world, Ryan cleverly breaks down all of the possible reasons a man would think to send a dick pic — and then explains why it’s almost always a bad idea.
When Your Brown Body is a White Wonderland
Tressie McMillan Cottom, tressiemc.com
Cottom sets aside discussions about the overt sexiness of Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance to focus on the less-discussed racial implications of the singer’s twerking against a backdrop of curvy, black, female bodies. This essay is not only beautifully-written, but deeply important.
The Perfect Wife
Ariel Levy, The New Yorker
Edith Windsor, the plaintiff in the Supreme Court case which declared the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional, has become a gay rights icon — and for good reason. This brilliantly-reported profile about her relationship with her wife Thea Spyer and her dogged fight for marriage equality will inspire even the most hard-hearted of readers.
Shine Theory: Why Powerful Women Make Great Friends
Ann Friedman, The Cut
In this terrific piece about “that feeling of resentment rather than joy at the personal and professional achievements of another woman,” Friedman not only spoke the truth about this very real and toxic aspect of female relationships, she also proposed a simple and wise way to end it: Women should adapt a “I don’t shine if you don’t shine” attitude. Befriend accomplished women, Friedman says, and you will get much in return: “The associative property of awesomeness” as well as support and inspiration from a tribe of strong women.
My First Year as a Woman
Laura Jane Grace, Cosmpolitan
“Truth be told though, when it comes to what other people think about me, I say fuck ’em. That’s the lesson that I want to impart to my daughter: It doesn’t matter what people think of you — you have to be true to yourself,” wrote punk-rocker Grace (formerly known as Tom Gabel), reflecting on the first year of her transition to living as a woman. The rest of the piece is just as bold.
Difficult Women: How ‘Sex and the City’ lost its good name
Emily Nussbaum, The New Yorker
Nussbaum traces the glittery show so many love to hate these days (or at the very least, mock, and with some good reason) back to its oft-forgotten, revolutionary beginnings. “It originated the unacknowledged first female anti-hero on television: ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw,” Nussbaum writes. Closet “Sex and the City” fans, behold your vindication.
I Have a Character Issue
Anna Gunn, New York Times
After years of playing sociopathic meth-dealer Walter White’s wife, Skyler, on TV, Gunn was all-too-familiar with the shocking amount of vitriol some fans directed at her character — and by proxy, at the actress herself. “Could it be that they can’t stand a woman who won’t suffer silently or ‘stand by her man’?,” Gunn wondered, calling out all of the men who love to be angry at fictional (and real-life) women. “That they despise her because she won’t back down or give up? Or because she is, in fact, Walter’s equal?”
Michelle Obama, ‘feminist nightmare?’ How Lazy Journalism Hurts Feminism
Roxane Gay, Salon
“When can we stop talking about who’s a bad feminist?,” asks Gay. After reading her piece on the utter ridiculousness of picking apart FLOTUS’ feminist and activist credentials, you’ll be absolutely sure that timeshould be now.
You Can Only Hope to Contain Them
Amanda Hess, ESPN
Hess approaches a very real issue for female athletes — their breasts — with respect and substantial reporting. Now this is how you write about women’s lives without resorting to stereotypes and lazy generalizations.
Why I F**king Love Teenage Girls
Meghan Harper, HuffPost Teen
We had never really thought about what, exactly, makes teenage girls so amazingly complicated. Until Harper broke it down for us. The piece starts out slow but keep going and soak in wisdom like this:”Teenage girls find a buoy for themselves in the sea of emotional ruin, and they hold on tighter than anyone else.”
My Abortion
Meaghan Winter, New York Magazine
In their own words, 26 women spoke plainly and powerfully about their varied reasons for choosing to end a pregnancy. Their stories reminded us how often real women get lost in politically motivated debates about abortion.
The Riptide Of Titstare
Rachel Sklar, Linked In
Rachel Sklar connects the dots between a report about the state of the news business authored by three white men (and based on interviews with 61 people, 54 of whom were white men), the unveiling of an app called Titstare at Tech Crunch Disrupt, and the misogynist tweets offormer CTO of Business Insider, Pax Dickinson.
Thanksgiving in Mongolia
Ariel Levy, The New Yorker
And finally, almost every person we reached out to for suggestions for this list mentioned Levy’s stunning essay about the miscarriage she suffered while traveling abroad. Gripping, intimate, wrenching without one superfluous word or false note, this piece will be studied in memoir writing classes for years to come.
Read More: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/23/required-reading-2013-women_n_4473740.html?ref=topbar
Women’s News: Single During the Holidays: A Good Thing
December 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Whitney Caudill
Associate Dean, Manchester University & Blogger, It is pretty.
Holiday parties, church services, gift exchanges, mistletoe, endless romantic comedies set during Christmas and New Year’s Eve and family events are all things that can make the holidays painful for single people.
It is a time when the volume of coupled people seems exaggerated due to all the festivities. Family events will inevitably present the well-meaning cousin who goes on and on about why you aren’t married. Of course, this happens just before the single family member is placed at the kid’s table for dinner or asked to run errands. Then there are the work parties where you are the only one at the table without a plus one. And it all winds up with the New Year’s Eve party where the single finds his or herself standing alone or keeping the waitstaff company when everyone else is kissing in the new year.
All this can make single folks feel even more single and alone.
Needless to say, it is easy to focus on the negatives of being single at the holidays. But the truth is that it isn’t all bad. In fact, I believe there is a strong argument that it is better, or at least more fun, to be single during the holidays. I have talked to a number of married and single friends and from those discussions have compiled the following list of common responses to the question: What is the best thing about being single at the holidays?
It is all your own family or nothing: no in-laws.
Every major holiday, every year, I hear friends, colleagues and others complain about eating multiple Thanksgiving dinners and visiting several houses for Christmas celebrations. The thought of spending Thanksgiving or Christmas Day on a progressive celebration from house to house and town to town sounds exhausting and not very merry to me. As a single person I only have to participate in my family’s holiday festivities. I don’t have to see anyone but my family. Thanksgiving this year I arrived home on Wednesday afternoon and did not go outside the house again until I left Sunday morning to return to Indiana. I know my family, I like all of them and as a single going home for celebrations is one stop. This makes me happy.
I understand some people do not like their own family and for those people, being single is best because…
You can make all your own plans — no compromising.
When you are single it is much easier to skip or opt out of the holidays if you wish. Doing this will only make one family angry, your own. A friend recently reported that his colleague was trying to decide whether to go to Bali or Taiwan during Christmas. She is single.
You only buy half the gifts (or even less) than you would if you were coupled.
You only have to buy for, again, your own family and friends. No worrying about what to get your spouse’s step-mother that you see twice a year, eclectic sister or golf buddy.
No relationship gift drama.
A good friend recently starting dating someone. They like each other and are a good match, but a new relationship around the holidays can be tricky. What do you get someone for Christmas when you’ve only been dating a couple months? You don’t want to send the wrong message. If you spend too much then are you setting a precedent? If you buy something personal it might mean you are more serious than you are at this point? But, if you buy an impersonal gift, like a gift card, does that say the relationship isn’t important and that you might be just friends? Will your gifts be equal in meaning, cost and relationship implications? It is complicated stuff. Complicated stuff that singles can skip.
People expect less of you.
This is one of the societal expectations about marriage that works in favor of the singles. A single person might get parked at the kids’ table for Christmas dinner or asked to sleep on the floor, but they won’t be expected to do all the decorating, party hosting and card sending. Also, if you are living on one income people often expect less expensive gifts from you. All good things.
You still have the option to meet people at all those holiday parties.
Or as my friend Matty put it, you still have the chance to meet that “one person” while doing your last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. Either way, whether you are shopping or working the room at a holiday party, it is a hopeful time. It is a time when there are many people out and about who are usually happy and having fun. What better environment to make new friends?
If you are single this Christmas and New Year’s then I challenge you to embrace it. Enjoy the freedom to make your own plans, be with only the people who you love, avoid all the drama and be open to whatever or whoever might cross your path.
Cheers!
LadyRomp 