Women’s News: 8 Messages to Teach Young Women and Girls About Happiness
October 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Paula Davis-Laack
Lawyer turned stress & resilience expert
Women’s happiness levels have been on the decline for the past few decades, so says a 2009study entitled, “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness.” If that is the case, what are young women and girls learning about what it means to be happy? Who are their happiness role models? It wasn’t until I burned out after seven years of practicing law that I gave much thought to my own happiness. If you could give some advice to young women and girls about how to build happiness, what would you say? Here is my list, which is based on my own personal experiences, what gets my clients stuck, and the research.
Maxing out isn’t healthy. Many young women want to go to a good college, get a good job, find a good relationship, and be good moms. When leaning in turns into burning out, though, women experience serious health, relationship, and emotional consequences that aren’t easily fixed. Rather than focusing on “having it all,” let’s ask young women what they want and help them define success on their own terms.
Buy more experiences and less stuff. When I was a teenager, I wanted to have the same cool clothes as my friend’s sister — she had all of the name brand stuff and I thought she was so cool. When I graduated from law school and started practicing, it was nice to be able to afford a trendy new handbag here and there. Having stuff isn’t bad, but materialism is. Not only does materialism not bring happiness, it’s a strong predictor of unhappiness. One study examined the attitudes of 12,000 freshman when they were 18, then measured their life satisfaction at age 37. Those who had expressed materialistic aspirations as freshmen were less satisfied with their lives two decades later (Nickerson, Schwartz, Diener, & Kahneman, 2003). My husband and I don’t live in a big house and my car is almost 10 years old, and that is by design. Living below our means allowed me to start my own business when my law career ended and it allows us to travel — experiences that have changed my life far more than a new car.
Focus on self-efficacy rather than self-esteem. Self-esteem is the evaluation of your own self worth, while self-efficacy is your ability to feel like you can produce results in your own life. When I first heard psychologist Dr. Karen Reivich talk about the differences between the two, I was convinced that self-efficacy is the more important focus. When young women and girls get an “A” or a trophy for simply showing up, they are robbed of the ability to learn how to adjust and deal with failure. Unfortunately, we’ve overshot the mark in trying to protect our kids from this evil thing called failure when in reality, failure builds resilience.
Take (good) risks. When you are asked to give a presentation, try out for a team, or do something new, what do you do? Do you shy away or jump in? Would it surprise you to know that when it comes to evaluating ability, men tend to overestimate theirs and women tend to underestimate theirs (Reilly & Mulhern, 1995). Think back to how your 8-year-old self was praised. Dr. Carol Dweck explains that young girls are often praised for being “smart” or “good,” while young boys are often praised for “trying hard.” As a result, many young girls develop a fixed mindset — the belief that ability is fixed or static. She avoids challenges, tries to look smart, gives up easily, and sees added effort as fruitless. Meanwhile, young boys tend to develop a growth mindset — the belief that ability can be developed. He embraces challenges, persists during setbacks, and believes that with more effort, he can master a task. Not all girls have fixed mindsets and not all boys have growth mindsets, but Dr. Dweck’s research certainly suggests that the way boys and girls are praised has consequences later in life (Dweck, 2008).
Don’t get stuck in your own faulty thinking. When I speak to students and professionals about my own experiences with burnout, I describe myself as a “people pleasing, perfectionist, achieve-aholic.” It’s my way of illustrating how the faulty assumptions we make and our deep patterns of thinking undercut happiness and resilience and create a lot of stress in our lives. If you catch yourself thinking any of the following, pay attention to what is driving your belief system, and know that the young women and girls in your life are paying attention to how you manage these beliefs:
** What will people think of me?
** I have to be perfect.
** I have to achieve more.
** I can handle it all on my own.
** I can’t take time for myself.
Perfection really does not exist. It took me years to realize how destructive the pursuit of perfection really is. Thinking you have to do things perfectly and/or be perfect is like carrying around a heavy weight on your back, and it absolutely crushes creativity. According to research professor Dr. Brene Brown, “Perfection is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds” (Brown, 2012).
Vulnerability is good. The less I focused on perfection and the more I focused on being vulnerable, the more opportunities unfolded for me. Vulnerability is what helped me stop my law practice, go back to school, and start a new business working with people and on projects I could never have imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE being vulnerable and it absolutely does not come easy to me. It’s a daily practice, in fact, but the alternative is a life where I’m not fully “all in,” and that’s just not acceptable to me anymore.
Avoid happiness traps. Many women (myself included) have bought into one or more of these happiness myths at some point in their lives — I call them the “I’ll be happy when’s:”
** I’ll be happy when I get married or find that great relationship
** I’ll be happy when I make more money
** I’ll be happy when I have kids
** I’ll be happy when I lose weight
** I’ll be happy when I change jobs/get a new job/get promoted
Our culture spins a very seductive story for young women, making it seem as though they’re not worthy or can’t be happy unless and until they’ve achieved these milestones.
These messages will help young women and girls take control of their happiness, resilience, and health. What would you add?
Paula Davis-Laack, JD, MAPP, is an internationally-published writer and travels the globe as a stress and resilience expert. She has trained thousands of professionals on how to manage their stress and increase their happiness by building a specific set of skills designed to develop personal resilience and prevent burnout. Paula is available for speaking engagements, training workshops, media commentary, and private life coaching – contact her at paula@pauladavislaack.com or visit her website at http://www.pauladavislaack.com.
The Accountability Steps
October 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Understanding the accountability steps will definitely help you achieve all the goals that you want to achieve.
Step 1 – Awareness is making sure that you are doing everything that you are suppose to do without detraction or excuses.
Step 2 – Impact is understanding the impact your goals have or will have on your life and other people’s lives.
Step 3 – Commitment is making sure that you are committed to the process of fulfilling your purpose without procrastination or laziness.
Inspirational Sources for Travel & Adventure
October 28, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Something a little different this morning!
Women’s News: The Surprising Thing I Learned From Being ‘Too Strong’
October 28, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Jill Knapp
Author of Chase
People spend a lot of time being told to be calm. The idea is so ubiquitous, it’s presented in nearly every aspect of our everyday lives. We see countless books, tweets, movies, memes, statuses and television shows about keeping control of our emotions. We are bombarded by a chorus of “don’t let him know he made you cry,” “don’t let her know it bothers you,” “be strong,” “just forget about it” and my personal favorite, “just ask like you don’t care, and eventually, they will notice and then they will (insert objective here)”; which, by the way, seems a little manipulative. I can’t tell if it’s art imitating life, or the other way around. But somewhere along the way, true emotion got the boot.
So, why do we say this to each other? Or more importantly, to ourselves? Is it because we don’t want to argue? Because we don’t want to risk showing someone our true emotions? Because we are worried about feeling sad? Or maybe we a little worried to feel anything truly painful.
These phrases are tossed around today with such ease that they are now the new norm. We have come to a point in our lives where showing emotion — or simply feeling it — has been deemed unacceptable. We wear our stoicism like a badge of honor, and have trouble understanding someone who doesn’t. When people are visibly upset, they are quickly labeled as erratic, overly-emotional or worse.
I am not immune to this “movement.”
A few years ago, a friend of mine died. We weren’t the best of friends and we didn’t grow up together, but it was someone I knew for a few years. Someone I knew well. When I found out they died, I didn’t cry. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad. Very sad. Especially because I had spoken to this person two nights before it happened and couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that they were gone. But I didn’t cry. I felt empty, like a robot. I would stay up nights wondering what’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I crying? The guilt consumed me for not crying. I was extremely upset, even questioning how someone so young could have been taken so early. But still, the tears did not come.
And then I thought back to other difficult situations I had been facing lately. I finally realized I hadn’t cried for a few years. I was constantly being told how tough I was. How strong I was for not getting emotional when a guy I liked would dump me. Or for holding it together at a funeral when a family member had passed away. Female friends would say they wished they could be more like me, strong. But I don’t know if I was strong. I didn’t feel strong, I felt numb. Cold. I was constantly validated for being reserved. But there’s a thin line between being reserved and being repressed. Anytime a small wave of emotion would hit me, my first instinct would immediately be to hide it. To laugh it off or have a drink. After all, it was what I saw all day long. Everywhere I looked.
From a small age, we are told to stop crying, to act more maturely. “Act like a lady” or “be a man.” Grow up. But when did being a grown up mean being unemotional?
I wasn’t the only one in my life acting this way. As we reached our mid to late twenties, my friends had taken on new temperaments too. The older we got, the more detached their emotions became. I started to miss them. I grieved over the ambiguous loss of my once charismatic friends. But I couldn’t blame them. It was the world we lived in, and we all knew we stood the chance of being eaten alive if we weren’t too careful.
Now, don’t get me wrong; there are obviously places and situations in which our emotions should remain checked, such as the work environment and school. But if you’re out to dinner with your best friend and you just had a horrible day, it’s OK to stop repeating how “fine” you are.
A few months passed, and I finally cried. I was out at a bar, feeling particularly low and I left to go home early. The second I got into my car, I broke down. I cried for what felt like an hour. I cried about my friend’s death, I cried about where I was in my life, I cried for relief. When I was finished, I drove home. I never told my friends it happened.
Over the course of the next year, I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t be on point 24 hours a day. I had to make a change. I started being honest with myself and others about when things bothered me. I stopped dating men who enabled my detached personality and started looking for someone I could be relaxed with. I stopped constantly trying to gain the upper hand in every situation in life and just actually started to be myself.
I’m still not 100% there yet. There are still moments when I want to flee, to close everything off and prove how strong I am to the world, even though and the end of the day it really doesn’t matter. I’m not sure any of us are being graded on how tough we are. I think we could all use a breather from trying to be perfect, and just be ourselves a little more often. And yes, I know I sound like an after school special, and for that I’m sorry, but I don’t think repeating, “Smile, so no one knows you’re crying,” is really doing any of us any good in the long run.
Inspirational Woman Of The Day: Natalia Vodianova
October 28, 2013 by 1 Comment
Natalia Vodianova: Russian supermodel Natalia Vodianova is more than just a pretty face: she’s the founder of the Naked Heart Foundation, which strives to provide a safe and inspiring environment for every child living in urban Russia. “Before I left Russia in 1999, I was living in a very poor factory town with my family and friends, and nothing was ever going to change,” said Vodianova. “We all have our own purpose in life and I feel very strongly that I have a bigger purpose than giving to just my immediate family and friends.”
Inspiration Of Style
October 28, 2013 by 8 Comments
Must-Have Layering Piece: A Sleeveless Shift Dress
Naya Rivera’s flawlessly tailored version of this closet workhorse fits in at both the office and a cocktail party after work. Pair a shift dress with a bright bag and look-at-me pumps to complete the sophisticated outfit.
LadyRomp Inspirational Conference Call!
October 27, 2013 by 2 Comments
LadyRomp is a place where people can go for great stories on everything about women. Anything involving today’s women and girls can be found here, whether it be motivational stories or messages, news, health, or inspirational women, the site equips and inspires women of all ages to go after their dreams and find their purpose. Currently, the blog is gathering business contacts and within the next year or so, editor Kimberly Seabrooks dreams of developing a real, vibrant community comprised of small groups with the use of The LadyRomp Inspiration Network.
Janine Hausif will be joining us on our 1st call.
Entrepreneur. Idea Maven. Creator.
Soon after earning her Bachelor’s degree in Communication in her hometown in Maryland, Janine immediately uprooted her life to Brooklyn, New York. One chance afternoon Janine noticed a large decal plastered to a local business’s window that read “Black-Owned Business.” She thought it would be great…
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