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Mothers & Daughters

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By Kim Seabrooks

The mother- daughter relationship can be tricky. So many mothers and daughters have a poor relationship with each other. This article discusses the top twelve reasons of why the mother- daughter relationship is so difficult and what you can do about it.

#1: You’re waiting for something to happen, but you’re not doing anything to make it happen.

Make the first move! Don’t wait for the other person; do it yourself! If you just wait and wait for your relationship to get better, nothing will happen, and you’ll always be waiting. Take some initiative and call your mother or daughter! Have lunch, talk, just do something!

#2: Maybe you need to change.

It’s easy for us to think that we’re perfect, but sometimes we’re the ones that need to change. Even if you can’t change the other person, you can change yourself. You can change your actions and also your responses. This alone can change your relationship—if your mother or daughter sees that you have changed, they may be inspired to do so also.

#3: Your expectations are unrealistic.

You have to keep your expectations realistic. If you don’t, no matter how much progress you’ve made in your relationship, it will never seem good enough. Accept each other for who you are and go with it from there. Life’s not a fairy tale, so don’t expect it to be like one!

#4: You’re not communicating.

One of the main reasons for poor mother- daughter relationships is poor communication. Voice your concerns, but do it in a loving, respectful manner. Say what you need to say, but do it kindly. This will do great things for your relationship! You’ll feel better that what you needed to say is off your chest, and you’ll also grow closer because you’ll know each other’s thoughts and feelings.

#5: You’re not listening.

Listening is an integral part in any kind of relationship, so it’s really no surprise that it’s important in a mother- daughter relationship. Listen to what you’re mother or daughter has to say, then respond in a way that makes the other feel like they’ve been listened to and are being heard. Also, don’t just listen to the words; listen to the way the words are being said. The way words are said is often the real messaging being put across.

#6: You’re not trying to fix your problems soon enough.

You’re going to get in some fights and have some disagreements. It’s inevitable. However, don’t let these issues fester! Get them resolved as soon as possible so they don’t turn into bigger issues! This is an area that affects all types of relationships—not just mother- daughter relationships. If you can’t get your issues resolved, you’re not going to have a good relationship with anybody.

#7: You’re not being considerate.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you like to be treated the way you’re treating them? You can say and do the exact same things but do it in a nice way that doesn’t hurt the other. Instead of saying, “Stop calling me, mother! You know I’m busy!” when she calls you three times throughout the week to see if you’re free for lunch, say, “Thanks for wanting to spend time with me, but I’m really busy this week. Maybe next week?” You can get the same message across but in a way that you would like someone to say it to you.

#8: You’re not forgiving!

No body’s perfect. People are going to hurt you at times—it’s just part of life. If you want to keep people in your life and have strong, healthy relationships, you’re going to need to learn how to forgive. You can’t remember and dwell on every single, little wrong thing that someone has ever done to you. Get over it. People mess up. Forgive them so the both of you can move on with your lives. Chances are you’ve done people wrong in the past too, and need them to forgive you!

#9: Your relationship isn’t balanced.

You and your mother or daughter need to balance your individuality and closeness. You need to figure out how to be your own person and still have a good relationship. Sometimes in the mother- daughter relationship, the mother has a hard time understanding that her daughter is an adult, and this could cause her to seem a bit bossy and demanding. Sometimes the daughter forgets that even though she’s an adult, she should still respect her mother. Remember who you are, who the other person in the relationship is, and respect that.

#10: You just need to agree to disagree.

Sometimes you’ll come to a disagreement and simply not be able to agree. Instead of letting the disagreement turn into to an argument, just agree to disagree. Respect each other’s opinions, and end the discussion. It really doesn’t matter who “wins” the argument—especially when winning is at the cost of your relationship.

#11: You dwell on the past.

This goes hand- in- hand with forgiving. You can’t dwell on the past and stay mad at your mother or daughter for things that have happened long ago. People aren’t perfect, and sometimes they’ll do things that hurt you. Try to focus on what they’re doing now. Maybe now they’re trying really hard to make the relationship better, maybe they’re trying to make up for their past actions. Focus on that—everything else is irrelevant.

#12: You’re not saying what you think you’re saying.

If a mother says to her daughter, “You’re going down the wrong path with this guy! You need to…”, all the daughter is going to hear is an attack on her. The mother could get across the message by saying, “I feel that it’s in your best interest to…” Make hard conversations like these more personal by saying “I” and “me”—your words will sound less like an attack.

In this article, I’ve discussed several aspects of the mother- daughter relationship. Now that you know and understand these reasons that the mother- daughter relationship can be so difficult, you can recognize these issues in your own mother- daughter relationship and try to fix them. I hope this article has been helpful to you and will give you the tools you need to be able to improve your relationship with your mother or daughter!

 

 

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Comments

  1. Valuable advice! I particularly like #7. I think this list of advice can apply to almost any relationship too, not just mothers and daughters. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I communicate and take an interest in my children’s lives from their hobbies, friends and worries…never had a problem with either my son or daughter. Show them love no matter what.

  3. It has taken me a long time to understand how best to communicate with my mother. Like a lot of mothers and daughters, we are very much alike. Neither of us have really changed, but I have learned that what she really craves is attention…maybe I do too. I took her breakfast saturday morning and we just sat and enjoyed each other’s company. It was bliss.

  4. This post is a keeper. 🙂

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